The Unknown Feeling

I now understand what the feeling is before leaving the country for study...There's only one word to describe... Sad...

It was in my mind as if it happened in the same day, though the date is supposed to be yesterday... Wearing the blazer, it's warming me up, but it has no effect to warm the cold atmosphere... I felt extreme sour when I'm about to part with my mother... Her tears amplify the sourness... Only if she didn't cry, maybe I won't cry for a few times over here... Or maybe it's just a lame excuse for me to cry here... I don't know... But of course I really hoped that she didn't cry, and be happier to see me leaving the country... But still, she cried... I didn't speak a word when listening to them talking... The tears are going to burst out...

Put aside the condition here, I shall only describe it next time... The only description I can give is our hostel is the only haven (and heaven) we have in Salem... You can say that I cried because of the substandard environment we have here, I don't deny it... But as a matter of fact, I just don't know how to make my mum (and myself) happy provided with the condition here is like that... I can't bear to listen her crying... I know I'll burst into tears also... That's why I chose not to talk to her until I am ready and not to cry when I hear her voice... Hopefully tomorrow is the day... I remembered what happened in matric... It was horrible... I don't want it to repeat now... I cannot let her blame herself for putting me into an undesirable condition... But how...

Thanks for all my friends for wasting their credit on me... The feeling is still uncontrollable... However it's not constant... Every time after crying I can stop with a better mood (or mindset maybe) which I hope the frequency of such feeling attacks can be lowered till non-existent (or in Physics terms - negligible, Wakakakakaka)...